


You Can't Give Everything

by AlhenaBlack



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Death, Depression, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Kylo Ren Angst, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-12
Updated: 2016-06-12
Packaged: 2018-07-14 16:02:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7178750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlhenaBlack/pseuds/AlhenaBlack
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This loss blossomed something within you, something dark, it was an event even you never thought possible. You hated the resistance, every one of them. Kylo had fought very hard not to prejudice your judgment about this war, but now it was too late. They should pay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Can't Give Everything

The atmosphere around the base was everyday darker. Every day passed as if it was an obligation, enjoying was something long gone. Nothing could bring you peace and with every minute passing, you felt as if a mass of desperation pulled you down to the deepest of the oceans. 

And with Kylo drowning himself in work did not help the situation. You understood why he did it, the first couple of months you took it as your own strategy, thinking about work instead of the events from weeks ago was way better, and falling sleep by mere tiredness, preferable that crying your eyes out.

It was eating you both alive. Phasma tried to talk to you at the beginning, she kept a safe distance knowing you both were adults, capable of making good decisions. But that day you passed out, halfway through your shift, she knew this had to stop.

“Are you trying to kill yourself?” he shouted while you were lying in a med bay bed. “Honestly! You two!, I can’t believe you. What happened was terrible, and no matter the side we are fighting on, it was tragical, and no one should go through it, but you need to go on in your life, you own it to him. Try!”. 

And so you did, you tried. Food still was tasteless, and sleep often came with nightmares, but try, you surely did.

Sadly Kylo was more stubborn than you, and it takes more than an angry Phasma to get into his hard head. After all, his position allowed him to do as he pleases, even if it meant sinking himself in grief. And as Phasma had said, you tried to help him, but every attempt ended with you sitting in the couch for hours waiting for him and Kylo never returning to your shared quarters. The closest you had got was a week ago, when you corned him on his office, but your luck did not appeared as a stromtrooper called him and he excused himself.

But today you were determined. The moment he stepped into his quarters you stood from the little sofa to face him, your arms crossed before you. Your expression was a mixture of feelings, it was serious but not severe. His black robe hugging his body perfectly and his mask was still on. The muscles of his shoulders tensed and his fists clenched at his sides.

“Why are you still awake?” he asked turning his head to a side “You should go to sleep or at least make yourself useful” he walked pass you and your heart ached at his words. You knew his pain was directing his words and he tried to keep you away from him to ease the grief. But enough was enough.

“I was waiting for you” you said, turning around to face him, but his stayed still, his back to you. “I want to talk to you, we need to talk about what happened Kylo”

“No we don’t” his distorted voice remained. 

“Yes we do. This is driving us apart the more we ignore it” you took a few steps towards him and when he did not moved away you took some more, now standing at your reach if you raised your hand. “Will you look at me? Please?”

“I can’t” his body shivered and you sighed.

“You think this is easy for me?” stress building inside your heart clouded your mind and made your voice sound exasperated. “I’ve been beating myself up for weeks and I’m so tired already. I can’t give anymore of myself because I feel as I have nothing else to give” you moved your arms to show your anger, your voice now breaking between words, trying so hard not to cry. “I honestly don’t know what to do anymore Kylo. Do you… do you blame me? Is that why you’ve been so distant?” he did not responded and you saw his shoulders rise and fall again as he took deep breaths, trying to calm himself. Your heart couldn’t talk it any longer, you’ve lost a great deal of happiness in such a short time and tears began to fell from your eyes.

At the sound of you crying Kylo looked at you over his shoulder. Fist tightening at his sides to he kept himself still from turning around and hug you. He may be a heartless bastard in front of everybody else, but when it came to you, he would transform into a whole different person, a man who wore his heart on his sleeve, a man that would do anything in his power to protect you in every way, to keep you from hating yourself.

“Of course not” the volume of his voice higher this time, filled with an impotent feeling in his heart. “You have done nothing wrong, you are the only one who did not deserve any of this, you…” he stopped there, unable to find the words.

“They why?” you asked, not completely sure of the explanation you wanted. “Why are you shutting me out? We need to go through this Kylo! We need to work together to heal” you tried

“Why?” and with that he did face you. “Why do you still what this to work? You are free from me know!” he started to rise his voice, he sounded so devastated. “You no longer have anything that keeps you with me, we lost our son in battle. A battle I stared, a battle you should have not been in but you did, because I was not strong enough to keep the enemy at line. They got close, they destroyed everything, they took my son away before he had the opportunity to live his life and they nearly took you too. Why are you so eager to fix what can not be fixed? Why are you still here with me?” he talked so fast he took several breaths before calming his racing heart.

Kylo paced over the room with long steps. He felt as if he as suffocating so he unlocked his mask and it slipped from his hand to fall on the ground. His long fingers combed his locks of hair and they rested in his face covering his eyes. Still, you could see the tears reaching his chin. He was in so much pain and you could understand how he felt. Because no long ago you were gladly letting your pain take control over you.

Not only he wore the grieving of loosing his child and a battle, but also he reluctantly took the blame of it all, he accepted you may as well hate him and he did it so you could ease your heavy heart. This relationship has lasted long enough for you to be able to read his actions. He saw himself as a monster and as such Kylo welcomed the role with all the perks and the consequences. More tears filed your eyes and run new paths down your cheeks. Carefully you reached Kylo and took his hands with one of yours releasing his face, your other hand cupped his cheek and you looked into his eyes.

“It hurst me too Kylo, I lost half of my soul, I was waiting so eagerly to hold in my arms. The life you and I created. I loved him from the moment I found out he was there and it hurts so much to lose him I can’t even breath somedays” his breathing even by now, ignoring the knot in your throat you continued. “I will forever miss him but, I want to get to the day when the memory no longer brakes me down to tears, I want to be able to remember you and I are capable of creating such a beautiful thing and smile, I want to get pass this with you next to me Kylo so please, please don’t keep me out. I can’t do this without you” your forehead rested against his and he closed his eyes. You words brought him some peace at last and the weigh in your heart lifted.

“I couldn’t protect any of you now, how am I ever going to do it in the future? I can’t loose you! I couldn’t take it another time!” he rested his hands on your hips to bring you closer to him. “It was foolish to think I could be a good father"

“Yes you can Kylo. And I’ll defend our future children too, you are not alone anymore. Never forget that” this loss blossomed something within you, something dark, it was an event even you never thought possible. You hated the resistance, every one of them. Kylo had fought very hard not to prejudice your judgment about this war, but now it was too late. They should pay and every single one of them now gained your loathe. Your husband did not need to hear it, so you kept if for yourself for now.

You hugged him tight and rested your face on his chest, his massive body completely covering you as he took strength from the embrace. His heavy hart still racing inside him, but now, finally he could see the end of the tunnel. He had you, and that was everything that he needed.

**Author's Note:**

> My very first work and please excuse the bad grammar or use of words. If there is any merciful soul who wants to beta this, feel free to send a message. Thank you for your time, and please, let me know what you think.  
> Tumblr: http://10thousandshours.tumblr.com/


End file.
